Head in the Clouds

Parisian skies and Tennessee skies have something in common – big, beautiful, fluffy clouds. I began to notice the clouds more during my time in France. That’s because in France, I felt freer than back home in Tennessee. That is to say, I had time to look up and to enjoy the sky instead of rushing from class to class, responsibility to responsibility.

Driving down the four-lane highway, just wanting to get out of the house, big, fluffy clouds filled the sky. This was one thing I missed about Tennessee. Upon seeing them, they instantly made me think of someone. I don’t know this person personally, but I do know, if he was in the car with me right then and there, he would have loved gazing out the window. He would have loved to take a drive to nowhere just to relish in the sight of billowy, cotton candy clouds. If he were in the car with me right then and there, perhaps we would play his newly released song through my car speakers and both of us would sing along as we rode down a back road, enjoying the clouds.

If only this had happened, what a fun, possibly mundane to some, memory to share. Nevertheless, I was in the car alone, imagining this took place.

The clouds reminded me of the majestic blue sky over the palace the day I visited Versailles. It reminded me of all the blue skies filled with homespun clouds I saw in France. They made me think of these as well as the man I don’t know, and probably won’t know, personally. How much he loves a sky like this, how happy it makes him talk about it, how it makes him smile. 

It’s funny and somewhat endearing how we can know so much about our favorite celebrities, role models, even our crushes. We know their likes and dislikes. How they take their coffee. If they even like coffee. We dedicate the time to know all this, yet we forget to keep learning about ourselves.

This thought came to mind as I thought of the man, I know of who loves clouds. It's crazy that I know so much about him and his group members, but they don’t know anything about me. Not that I expect celebrities to know something about each and every one of their fans. That’s too much to ask; however, seeing their eyes light up when they see how much their fans support them is enough to make up for the difference.

After my trip to France, I realized that I don’t know much about myself anymore. I fully realized this on the day the sky made me reminisce of France and think of the man who loves clouds. 

My time in France gave me a treasure trove of new memories and experiences. There were plenty of learning curves, times I felt like a failure and wanted to give up, yet through the hardships and the fun, I came out a new version of myself.

In the realm of personal growth, I’d say I have changed very gradually since starting college. That being said, this gradual change makes it feel like I’ve stopped growing into a better person than the week, month, or year before. 

France showed me just how much I could grow in just a month. Within just a month, so much has changed about me. For starters, I used to hate mayonnaise, but now, I don’t mind it. Now, I can comfortably find my way around a foreign country which is something I never thought I could do. I feel safer, more at ease, in a large metropolitan than back in the States. These are only some of the many ways I’ve changed and grown since being in France.

For the majority of the time in France, my self-esteem plummeted almost daily. It was at an all time low. Strangely enough, I gained back my confidence during the last week of the trip. Upon coming home, I’m more confident and proud of myself than I have ever been. Before, I hated my appearance. I cringed on the inside whenever I saw my reflection. My body dysmorphia took hold of my eyes as if I were wearing a pair of glasses with skewed lenses.

Somehow, after France, those glasses either came off or fell to the ground and shattered. I hope it’s the latter. In any case, I haven’t been this confident in myself and my appearance since I was ten years old. Now, I can actually look at myself in the mirror and like the person looking back at me.

My anxiety isn’t as bad as it was before the trip. While I had been working on worrying less and all the other things that come with anxiety, all that seemed to slowly disappear. Maybe it’s because of a new environment, a place that I could figure things out more or less on my own. A place I could call my own. Maybe what I’ve been needing most since becoming an adult is to be in a place where I could grow and learn all by myself, trusting my instincts and gaining my independence in life as well as individuality. 

It seems that my yearning, my longing, my dreams and desires to travel and to live abroad paid off. While I initially was scared to death of going to Paris without my family, I learned that I needed to experience it all for myself. I think I gained more that way. 

I will forever associate bright skies filled with beautiful, white clouds with my time in Paris. Every good day I had in France, the sky looked this way. I will forever associate clouds with the person I thought of that day I went for a drive. I hope he enjoys many beautiful, perfect days, watching the clouds pass by in the brilliant blue sky.